Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
A Businessman was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking!”.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The Businessman looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!”
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought “That French son of a gun wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face”
The fat lady thought - “This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him”.
The Frenchman thought - “That Bloody Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me”
The Englishman thought - “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French idiot again”
A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.
Old man: “All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle.”
Doctor: “Oh? What is a post turtle?”
Old man: “When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That’s a post turtle. Ya know he didn’t get there by himself, he don’t belong there, he cain’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down.”